How can spiritual direction impact leaders and congregations? In this interview Eunhyey Lok reflects on the role of spiritual direction, its benefits for personal and church growth, distinctions from counseling, and tips for finding a spiritual director.
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Jessica Anschutz: What is spiritual direction?
Eunhyey Lok: So that’s a tricky question in that there are lots of different forms of spiritual direction. I will speak to the form that I’ve been trained in which comes out of the Christian contemplative tradition, supposedly going back as far as the desert fathers and mothers, some would say further. What I understand spiritual direction to be is a space that’s created for people to pay attention more deeply to what’s happening in their souls and with God in their lives. The spiritual director holds a safe place and both people in the room, the directee and the director, are focused on listening to the Holy Spirit. The spiritual director listens to the directee and looks for those places of contact where God’s movement seems to be the most active, or where there is something that God is touching in the person that’s speaking and that they’re listening to. In many ways, the director is a soul companion or a soul friend, someone who is committed to listening and not telling you what to do or giving you advice. In fact, director is kind of a misnomer because it’s one of the least directive ways of being with somebody for the sake of their relationship with God and the Spirit.
Jessica Anschutz: Now I’m curious. You are also a counselor, so what is the difference between spiritual direction and counseling, or having a spiritual director and having a counselor?
Eunhyey Lok: That’s a wonderful question because I see both as ways of becoming more fully who God intended us to be. I think of counseling as a form of discipleship, where you’re investigating and seeing the parts of your character that are informed by your thoughts, your emotions, your behavior, and especially your interpersonal behavior, so your relationships. Counseling focuses on those aspects of the human being. Spiritual direction focuses a lot more on your soul and your walk with God. There’s overlap. In spiritual direction, deep emotional family issues come up and in counseling, especially if they’re coming to me because I am a Christian therapist, issues of their spirit and their relationship with God as it impacts their emotions and their daily functioning, that comes up too. So, there’s overlap but the focus and the goals are different.
Jessica Anschutz: So, spiritual direction focuses on connection with the holy and with God. Given that, who should seek spiritual direction?
Eunhyey Lok: Because I’m a fan and because I’ve benefited so much, everybody. It’s especially helpful for people who feel like they’ve hit a wall with the ways of interacting with God and the body of Christ that they’re used to. So, for me personally, it came at a time when I was serving full time in ministry for an organization that helped connect people with opportunities overseas. I was a mobilizer, and a big part of my job was mentoring and listening to people. I never stopped believing all the basic tenets of what it means to follow Jesus. But every time I would share the gospel with somebody, internally, it fell flat. There was something missing. I would not have used those words back then, but I’ll use them now. I felt like I hit either a complete period of dryness, or a wall. Then when I started receiving spiritual direction, it was like drinking from a well in the middle of a desert. I think the difference was that it was a different space where I didn’t have to have the answer and I wasn’t asking somebody for the answer, but instead a lot of walls were taken down so that I could experience God in a different way.
Jessica Anschutz: Thank you so much for sharing part of your personal story and how spiritual direction has benefited you. What benefits do you see to spiritual direction in church leaders specifically?
Eunhyey Lok: Church leaders are maybe the number one group of people. Anybody in a caregiving role who spends a lot of their focus on other people, and who also can’t just talk to anybody off the street because of issues of privacy. They want to respect the people who are coming to them. Therapists are in this category, other spiritual directors, and ministry leaders are right in there. In spiritual direction, there’s a lot of expectations being removed and that can be a real weight off a lot of leaders to know that there’s somebody there for you. Because even though you can call a spiritual director a “soul friend,” it’s not a mutual relationship. The director is there to offer you a space to pay attention to what’s happening between you and God, between you and yourself, which is hard to do without some kind of safety. And so, ideally, when you find the right spiritual director, that space can be created for you. And a lot of things start to come out when your soul is feeling safe.
Jessica Anschutz: You mentioned finding the right spiritual director, and I’m curious what you would advise people who are looking for a spiritual director to look for. How do you know when you found the right spiritual director?
Eunhyey Lok: Well, I think it’s worthwhile to do an interview process. If you know anybody who has interest in the contemplative form of spirituality you might ask them for recommendations of spiritual directors. You can meet people online. The best way is to start with your own personal networks, and ask, has anyone done spiritual direction? Do you have a director? And start from there.
But I also could recommend the Shalem Institute, a great resource on the East Coast. Spiritual Directors International is a very large organization that is not exclusively Christian, but they have a lot of Christian spiritual directors, and their website is sdicompanions.org.
Since directors aren’t really limited by state or national boundaries, if there’s somebody that you’ve read who happens to be a spiritual director, you could reach out to them and say, “Hey, do you know of anybody that would be a good fit for me?”
I trained with Christian Formation and Direction Ministries in Southern California, and they have a website called cfdmsoutherncalifornia.org. If you say, “I am interested in a director,” and you share a little bit about what you’re looking for, they might be able to get back to you with some names as well. I very much appreciated how they trained me, and I get referrals for my own direction from them as well.
Jessica Anschutz: So, when you’re looking for a spiritual director, what are the things you look for to find that good match? What are some examples of what you might consider?
Eunhyey Lok: I look for somebody who really listens for what God is doing and reflect and highlight—without that many words—what’s happening. Because the fewer words that are said, the more it falls back on me to see and pay attention to what’s happening inside.
I do appreciate sometimes when they offer: “I noticed this,” or “that brings up this in me,” a little bit of what in the therapy world we’d call self-disclosure. Personally, I find that helpful. Sometimes I ask “well, what do you think?” A good spiritual director will take that and help you go deeper with, “Where is that question coming from?” So, somebody who really can pay attention and is listening and has a sensitivity to the Holy Spirit and to you. They may not have the same background as you, but they are caring for you. There’s something about you that they are drawn to and interested in as well.
I think for me as a person of color, it’s very helpful when I know that they have either training or lived experience in giving direction and being a person of color in the contemplative world. So that’s a very different dynamic that I appreciate.
Jessica Anschutz: Those are helpful things to think about if someone is going to pursue spiritual direction. Drawing on your own experience, how do you see spiritual direction impacting ministry?
Eunhyey Lok: I’m going to go out on a limb and say: I think it’s almost essential. If not spiritual direction, then something like it that can help create a space for the ministry leader or leaders where they are reminded that it’s not up to them and their value and worth in this world is not dependent on how much they produce. So, if we are living in that mode without awareness, then ultimately damage is done to the person themselves. And then, it’s going to bleed out into other people as well.
But when we’re drawn into the desert, the spiritual direction session can be an isolated space with one other person where you are given a place of rest. And in that rest, you can discover over time the things that are driving you. You can reflect on how you understand God’s life on this earth to be. “Is this congruent with what I understand God created me and this world for?”
Or, you can also take it to your local body of Christ. Is the way that we’re living life together as a body, is this congruent with what the gospel is saying reality is supposed to be? And I think those kinds of spaces take some intentionality to peel away the layers. If you don’t have a spiritual director, then the other way that that can happen is through times of solitude. Somebody used this phrase a long time ago, which I’ve always appreciated, who are you when no one else is looking? Or when only God is looking? I think that reveals a lot. Spiritual direction is one safe place where one person is looking, but they’re there for you, not you for them. So, you’re not having to perform or be “on.” Especially if you’re feeling stuck as a leader, that can really help.
Jessica Anschutz: I can see how that would help the many leaders who are burned out from the pandemic and making all those shifts and trying to find that right alignment with the context in which they’re serving, their own leadership, and their relationship with God. So, you specialize in spiritual direction for folks serving in cross-cultural contexts and I want to give you the opportunity to share how spiritual direction can support folks in cross-cultural contexts.
Eunhyey Lok: If the person that I’m seeing is a person of color, then living in the U.S. is a constant cross-cultural experience, code switching and living in the world that the dominant majority culture as well as in the culture of people’s homes, or in a third culture altogether, that kind of living is a stressor all on its own. So having a space where you are understood, and that’s why for people of color finding somebody who understands your racial ethnic background can really be this layer of relief, a sigh of rest, where you don’t have to explain or defend. Even if the person is not a person of color, you can build that safety as well. If they are not coming with assumptions, and they’re having an attitude of cultural humility, and an attitude of learning without making you be their teacher, that can work as well. I have had a lot of mentors. My supervisor is not a person of color, and I feel very supported by her.
If you are of the dominant culture and you’re working with people cross culturally, spiritual direction is another place where you can bring all the dynamics with you. Or if you are a person of color, but you’re working in a different context of other people of color. There is so much that comes up in cross-cultural interactions where your own assumptions are constantly challenged. It takes work. It’s a labor and learning process which in the end benefits us as cross-cultural learners. But it also takes a lot of energy. So having somebody who can help you process that without judgment, and to see how all that wrestling, all of that struggling and digging and searching, how that connects with who God made you to be. It’s a really, potentially huge discovery of what God is like and who you are as a child of God through these cross-cultural interactions, which can be unpacked in that safe space of direction.
Jessica Anschutz: I appreciate your willingness to share more about that. Because folks in cross-cultural contexts are faced not only with the challenges of day-to-day ministry, but those issues that you have raised. I’m grateful that spiritual direction can be a source of support for them. Now I want us to think about folks who may be cynical about spiritual direction and what would you want the cynics to know about spiritual direction. Why would you say that it’s worthwhile?
Eunhyey Lok: Well, first I would want to understand where their cynicism is coming from. I’d love to say that spiritual direction is for everybody, but it does take someone who is willing to take initiative in their own spiritual journey and is looking for something in particular, like going deeper, some way to understand the world, and their own lives, and God in a way maybe that isn’t being held up by what they’ve had before.
So, if a person is not at that place, maybe they’re right. Maybe they don’t need spiritual direction. But if they also believe that it’s not for anybody, then maybe what I might offer is there might be something in their cynicism. First, God’s going to love them anyway, but that other people may need a different kind of space than they’re happy with to be able to discover that they are fully accepted, loved, and known by God. It’s okay to ask questions and interact with God about them. There are people willing to journey with you in that way as well.
Jessica Anschutz: I appreciate your willingness to engage the question, but also the openness with which you offer yourself to folks to be able to ask those questions, and to explore and to see.
Eunhyey Lok: I appreciate that. Thank you.
Jessica Anschutz: I think there are benefits, potentially for anyone, but you do have to come with a spirit of openness to reap those benefits and have a willingness to work at it. It may not happen just in one session or experience. I’ve heard you say a couple of times in our conversation together that it can take time.
Eunhyey Lok: Absolutely.
Jessica Anschutz: So, in thinking about our audience of church leaders, clergy, and laity, how do you hope spiritual direction may impact them?
Eunhyey Lok: One thing, this is not directly an answer to your question, but I was thinking about making it accessible to people. Group spiritual direction is a very simple way to introduce it to your whole church or your ministry team. And all it really takes is a timekeeper. If you have somebody who is a good listener and is firm enough to be able to help people redirect if they’re going off on a tangent. I’ve introduced that to my own church in different formats and experimented with it in different groups. It’s almost instantly accessible to people because all it does is take some willingness for people to listen to the Spirit and ask themselves several questions after they’ve spent some time listening to someone sharing about what’s going on. With some small, gentle coaching of avoiding things like talking about what they think you should do or advice giving or immediately launching into what’s going on for them without reflecting on what the person has shared. So, with some coaching, it can help people get a taste of what it’s like to receive spiritual direction or that dynamic of being listened to and the listener also keeping an ear out for what the Holy Spirit is saying and then offering that back. So that’s one thing I’ve been mulling on and thinking about for churches in general.
But for ministry leaders or as a team in ministry, imagine that everybody in your ministry team was in spiritual direction or went away on a retreat and was led through a contemplative space with someone to help guide. The experience of doing that can really open these deeper levels of reckoning. Along with what’s already going on, it can highlight why people feel frustrated or why people feel satisfied and joyful in the ministry that they’re doing. It gives a lot more clarity. It can help people understand if they’re a good fit for their ministry role, or help a church understand, “Oh, we need this kind of person, leadership, or skill set because this is what God is calling us to do.” So, discernment and clarity, can become a huge part of that, and ultimately, also sustainability. I’m a huge fan of taking stock, slowing down. In order to keep participating in the way that God has designed you to participate and leave room for others.
So, another thing that spiritual direction can do is help you discover and be okay with the limitations that you are born with, as well as understanding, “Oh, okay, maybe I’m being challenged to explore and grow in this area,” that might have been scary for us before. So, creativity can be a result of sustained spiritual direction or a contemplative practice as well.
Jessica Anschutz: I really appreciate how you’ve highlighted not only the benefits for individuals, but for the community they serve and for the community, potentially, as they engage in spiritual direction together. There’s an incredible amount of potential for our churches and our church leaders as they engage this work.
Eunhyey, I’m deeply regretting that our time is ending. I want to ask you, if someone has been thinking about engaging in spiritual direction, what are the first steps they need to do to make that happen?
Eunhyey Lok: Ask around. Something that might be helpful to know is that most spiritual directors hold either a free 20–30-minute consultation time, or an actual free first session. That’s been my practice. It’s the first time that we meet, after an initial phone call, it’s mostly to see if we would be a good fit. So, it’s a kind of date where you’re asking each other questions.
We’ll take this down in a couple of steps. If you already have a place where you want to start looking for names, then look up a name, throw a dart, and get started. That’s probably the easiest way. It may be daunting, but getting some momentum going can be helpful.
Or you can pray and ask God, “Lord, if this is something you want for me, can you bring me in touch with somebody who might be a good director for me?” Then if you’re never done direction before, being open to meeting at least two or three people before you decide can be helpful. Even if they don’t work out for you, you might be able to give their names to somebody else. As you become more involved people are going to ask you, “Do know of a good director?” So, all of those are ways to start. But if you don’t know where to start, the websites that I mentioned before might be a good place to begin. Then, continue to trust that if this desire is there, God will provide the person.
Jessica Anschutz: I really appreciate your willingness to take the time to share with our audience today, and I thank you for the ways in which you are listening for the work of the spirit amid your work in ministry. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me today.
Eunhyey Lok: Thank you for having me. It’s been a pleasure. Thank you so much.
Related Resources
- Spiritual Lessons from a Vinedresser by Judith Sutera
- 5 tips for Building True Spiritual Community by Rebekah Simon-Peter
- Keep Your Bucket Full of Energy and Compassion by Alan T. Baker
- Coaching and Christian Leadership by Ann A. Michel
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